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Everyone would eat as much as they could, then (usually full to the point of bursting) would have a little break before the time for opening presents. In that time, the family would drink tea, and try to digest the amazing meal they just had.After a few minutes, all the children (including Alexis who has always been close to her inner child) would gather round the presents, as the adults relaxed on the couches around the Christmas tree. The job of handing out the presents would usually fall to Alexis.And this year, as with last year, she misses that job. And she misses being with her family, and especially being able to tell them how much she loves them, and how much she wishes she could see more of them. She wishes she could tell them this now.But she can't give up what she needs to be happy. She needs to be the woman she is, just as her sister, and her mother, do. If she is not, she will never find the happiness in a lie that she could possibly find in the truth. And even her family. Â I wanted to get the blade just inside the abdominal cavity just to see if I could.I have a knife with a five inch blade. It is a Gerber dagger with a very sharp double edge and not too wide. Even going 1.25 inches, it would cause a wound only .5 inches wide or so. I measured off 1.25 inches and put several layers of duct tape on the blade as a safety stop. This would absolutely guarantee that the blade would stop at the desired depth. I was confident in my calculations and would just look at the blade, review my movie from last year and get giddy and nervous and excited imagining the blade going into my gut.This was around the 2nd week of July. I need to do this by the 23rd. I was so ready and getting myself worked up psychologically for the annual ritual. To be honest, just the thought of a piece of hard, cold steel blade entering my gut gets me to a point of insanityI stabbed myself twice last year, but it was so shallow. Would I be able to this year? As the day approached, I made.
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