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At length, I resorted to the only present remedy, that of vain attempts at digitation, where the smallness of the theatre did not yet afford room enough for action, and where the pain my fingers gave me, in striving for admission, tho' they procured me a slight satisfaction for the present, started an apprehension, which I could not be easy till I had communicated to Phoebe, and received her explanations upon it.The opportunity, however, did not offer till next morning, for Phoebe did not come to bed till long after I was gone to sleep. As soon then as we were both awake, it was but in course to bring our ly-a-bed chat to land on the subject of my uneasiness: to which a recital of the love scene I had thus, by chance, been spectatress of, serv'd for a preface.Phoebe could not hear it to the end without more than one interruption by peals of laughter, and my ingenuous way of relating matters did not a little heighten the joke to her.But, on her sounding me how the sight had affected. Hannah turned her back on me. Even Valiant Endeavor looked mournful. I woke up each morning in tears and even set the manuscript aside before I finished the chapter. I couldn’t go on.I went for a long walk on the rocky beach listening to the crashing waves and letting them drown out my sobs. People don’t really understand what it means when I say my characters are more real to me than some of the people I know. I remembered writing the scene in The Prodigal in which Kate left Tony and Wendy and disappeared. I’d been a wreck for a week, even though I knew she was coming back. I’d fallen in love with her, too. Losing her reflected the final days of my marriage to Treasure. Only after three impossibly heartbreaking chapters, Kate came back. This time, there would be no miraculous return.Dead was dead. I’d proven that in For Money or Mayhem. A fellow author I’d met told me her book club read it and argued most of the evening until they finally agreed she had to die. But writing that.
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