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” My voice droned further and further down into depression.“No,” he said softly as if he understood my pain.“Ean,” my voice shook almost crying, “do it. Over and over a hundred times until finally everything in my head just stops. I can’t stand doing nothing anymore. If your body still can get happy, then please, use mine to make it. I’m only going to ever get better if I feel that I’m making some progress and right now I feel absolutely nothing.”I rolled away from him onto my back and pulled apart the towel covering me. Spreading my legs a little, I laid there unable to move anymore muscles. All I could do anymore was stare at the ceiling as tears trickled one at a time down the sides of my face.“Please Ean. I need this. I won’t judge you. I know it will hurt you so much too but I can’t stand not doing at least something.”He pulled his face up to mine to look into my eyes.“Don’t kiss me. Please. Just have sex with me.”He had to have seen the sincerity in my blank eyes because he. At the time, my brother worked in a video store that had a back room and a small assortment of ‘novelty’ items. He got me a pump, but it wasn’t quite the right kind. This one was for masturbating with, and not really for pumping up an impotent penis. We tried it though and after a while I did manage to get it up, but she decided that if I couldn’t feel it, there really wasn’t any point to it. At first, I was a little leery about using a dildo. It made me feel inadequate. It also kind of hurt at first because I was thinking ‘What, my hands aren’t good enough?’ Then my wife told me one day while we were in an adult toy store that, ‘I’m a girl. We’re kinda designed to really like having something like that put in us.’ Then I had this hang up about using one that looked too real. In my head I thought that if it was shaped differently from a real penis, this didn’t make me less of a man because this would stimulate her differently then a real dick would. Now, I don’t care. The way I look.
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