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I know for sure that I’m not a virgin anymore now. He gives me some me some more toilet paper and hands me my panties, telling me;“You might still bleed a little bit, so put that in side your panties” I do what he says and put my panties back on putting the toilet paper inside my panties.I don’t say anything; I think I’m just too ashamed because of what he’s done to me.Standing up, I want to put my blazer on and go home, he hands me my blazer I’m standing by the bed.Horrified I see the large blood stain on the white towel that he made me lay on. I know now why he put it on the bed; he knew I would bleed when he took my virginity.He gives me some money counting it out. Fifty pounds for mum’s medicine and he gives me another ten pounds telling me that’s pocket money. No one has ever given me pocket money before.I have to go home now I tell himI watch him turn off the video camera and we go back into the shop.He gives me the groceries telling me I can come and get anything I need. But to any other man who walks this earth you are mellow in your emotions, ever calm, ever stable. You do your best but I see the shadow shows, the man holding onto the only way he knows to row through his fears and sadness. Your formality in your high soft voice breaks my heart on hearing you. I cannot fight your battles or draw a sword on your behalf, but my arms are open, outstretched, always, and I will be the walls to the storm and keep you safe and strong. You are, behind your fifty years, still a child searching for answers in a sea of books and being. I don’t mind. That’s the wrong phrase. I don’t mind because I love it, all of you, cantankerous, out of touch, snobbish and cold, because I know it is you behind your long hours and cruel bosses, it is you who will kiss me and hold me with the sweetness and love no one has ever come close to. It is you who will sit through my rages and tears and insecurities with the patience of saints and the wisdom of ages. We are not.
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