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You can’t take me dancing or teach me guitar. I’ll never be able to kiss you at the top of the Ferris wheel. Our children will never meet, or families will be strangers. There will never be a chance to watch your hair grow back. I can’t ever remind you how beautiful you are, even when you’re bald and too thin. I promised I’d remember you like to be kissed gently, with a nibble at the end. Tears burn my eyes as I grieve for the lost chance to wake up next to you. I still want to hold your hand everywhere, at home, in public, during sex and while we sleep. I have so many questions that will have to remain unanswered. This loss, the slow grind of acceptance, is terrible. You fill my thoughts and my heart hurts. I wish for a different outcome. Crazy thoughts shoot through my head, bouncing off memories of you. What if I’d called sooner? I should have sent more little positive messages. I should have just asked permission to visit. If I had, you’d still be here, fighting. Then I. My hair is a wig, a very real lookingone, but a wig. My breasts are pads inside a bra, and my body has beenpadded expertly inside these clothes that I wear to make me appearfemale. And I dread what my *mother* will want done to my body in thelong term. I wonder what my friends would think if they knew thateverything I say and every move I make is all an act? That I hatetalking about boys and other girly stuff with them and that I long towipe the lipstick from my lips, shed my girl disguise and get back tomy parents so that they know that I didn't die after all.I don't hate the boyfriend that I'm lumbered with. He's never harmed meor hassled me or tried to make me do anything that I don't want to doand he is content with kissing and the odd grope of my fake breasts,which is just as well, as I have a penis. I feel very sorry for him,because his real girlfriend is dead and I've been forced into the role.He's shown me in a hundred different ways that he truly loves me, buthe loves.
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