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In spite of allresponsible, rational considerations, I was committed to her forprobably a year. She seemed to take strength from that fact. And Itook some assurance from her presence, her assertiveness. I knew that if I didn't let her flourish that it would only bedisaster. I realized inside that I needed her to assume the life that sheneeded to assume. If I couldn't behave as a credible woman, Icouldn't conduct the project. I needed to be in control. I neededto be self-aware...even if I wasn't yet sure as to who that 'self'was.I woke up late, still in that bathrobe. My second day. I had thingsI had to do I told myself. But when I went to the bathroom and peedI was overwhelmed again by how remarkable it felt -- something soterribly mundane as just peeing. Sit on the toilet and pee. I can'teven explain how that was those first few times. For a long time,really. I couldn't escape the overwhelming reality of my situation. Therewas no way that I would not project some. "Ill see you at school Alyssa."My parents dropped me off at the school and the week sped by. I ate lunch with Jeff every day. We passed each other notes in the hallway. He blew me kisses across the gym. I was a girl in love. I realized I hadn't been happy in a while. It felt nice. My two best friends at the school said they were so jealous. Jeff was cute.I knew things were going too well. 10:00 pm I was summoned to Mr. James office. I was shaking in terror. I knew he was going to hurt me. I had no idea what transgression I had committed. I sat in front of his desk trying not to piss myself in terror."Is Jeff Stevens your boyfriend Alyssa?"I looked at him and nodded slowly. There was no rule about having a boyfriend. Only about immoral conduct. The only time Jeff and I had had sex was off school campus."I intercepted this note Alyssa. Why don't you read the highlighted part for me." I took the note, and read the lines silently."Out loud please Alyssa." Alyssa, I love you so much and I.
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