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I felt that way, too, until, during the ride here from seeing those x-rays forced me to face reality to a depth I?d not achieved until now. What I?d been feeling was that I was going to still be a guy inside, mentally. Now I realize I can?t allow that to continue, I have to begin thinking of myself as a girl, totally female in every way. It?s not going to be easy for me, that?s for sure, and not for you either. I can imagine there will be times I?ll suffer from emotional overloads and go off into crying jags as I go through what?s going to amount to puberty all over again. I can only guess how I?m going to react emotionally as these hormones rewire by brain. So I have a huge favor to ask of you... just put up with me as I fight my way through it and do anything and everything you can to help me see being a girl as a positive thing?" ?Oh, sweetheart, I love you so much.? Carin tells me, tears flooding into her eyes. ?Of course I will, I can?t do anything else but. I read the words written on the notebook page every day –- sometimes several times a day –- as a meditation. As a novena. As a prayer. It's my most treasured possession. (Well, Isabel is, but I can’t call her a possession, because it would be like saying you own a cat. Cats grace us with their presence. Isabel does, too.)We've been together for just a few months. A few fragmented, Roman-candle-burning-hot months. It hasn't been easy. A stolen kiss here. A silent coupling there. And a repressed acknowledgement that every single time might very well be our last time. We're both moving, filled with wanderlust. And we know we're not heading to the same place.Saudade.That's what I think as I hold the gossamer paper in my hands. I learned that word when I lived in Portugal with another girl. Someone long gone. Someone Isabel can't stop asking about.That word is about a pain so deep it can't be isolated. Or healed. A thirst that can't be slaked. A nostalgic longing for a love who isn't.
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