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For five nights before the event I refused to have sex with Susan. Claiming I was tired or didn't feel well. She cuddled up to me and we went to sleep. The night of the event I waited at the bottom of the stairs for Susan. I hadn't seen the dress she was wearing. I was decked out in my tux and even if I say so myself, I looked good."Susan," I called up to her for the fifth time."Just another minute Mark," she yelled back.I looked at my watch for the tenth time in as many minutes. She was always fashionably late. I wasn't paying attention. I was startled by Susan clearing her throat. She stood at the top of the stairs. I gasped when my eyes finally focused. She was spectacularly beautiful. My heart started to pound in my chest. She stood there, posing for me. Her hair was down, she usually wore it in a bun on the back of her head. It was perfect.The dress she wore was red. A deep, deep red. It hugged her body. Every curve, every bump. It was held in place by one swath of cloth over her. Harold, the man with the loudest voice in all the Kingdom, proclaimed, "This is what you are commanded to do, O peoples and nations of every language, except English, because England is not yet in existence, and, I suppose, Spanish, because there is no Spain...right, and I guess even Latin when you think about it...5. Anyhow, when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe, and all kinds of music except for Soilent Green, you must bend over and reveal your buttocks to the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up.6. Whoever doesn't do this will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace."7. Therefore, as soon as the Janet Jackson concert blew into town, the people remembered these words and collectively mooned the huge monument as Harold had told them to.8. At this time the concert promoters came forward and complained to Harold, who drove them over to the king's palace in a big old Mercedes.9. The promoters said to King Nebuchadnezzar, "O King, live.
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