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It was her 18th birthday, and pancakes were about to be served in bed."We know, we know! Come on, let's do this!" Sam whispers, smiling with anticipation.You smile back at her as you slowly open her door, allowing space for your mom with the pancakes and your sister with the plates and forks can get through. You all slowly creep towards her sleeping form, wrapped in her blankets.She jumps up, suddenly awake when the three of you start singing, and she starts laughing when she realizes what is going on. "Thanks guys!" Hannah says, smiling. You sit on the bed next to her and give your little sister a big hug, as your mom and older sister set the tray of food and plates in the middle of the bed."Happy Birthday Hannah!" you say, squeezing her to you. "18 is a big one!"You all share smiles and laughs as your family digs into the pancakes. For the first time in a while, your family has something to genuinely be happy about.It's been 3 years since your dad died. You were a senior in high. Even that sound screams offemininity. It may as well be a stiletto as the sound is stabbing myheart.I retreat from the window and go back to my full length mirror. Myreflection is pleasing but the niggling doubt is always there in the backof my head. I do look pretty; I know I do but I cannot summon the courageto leave my safe haven.With a strong resolve I march over to the coat hanger and put on myraincoat. It feels like a shield against the world when I decide to leavemy sanctuary.I confront the door leading out of my domain and into the big wideyonder. The door is too intimidating and I am unsure what lies without.Looking in the mirror for reassurance and courage I convince myself I ampretty but my make-up is not perfect. My DNA is totally smudged.With a sigh of resignation I retreat to the kitchen and pour myself aglass of wine. I put a little bit of soothing music on the stereo andrelax on the sofa with my legs folded beneath me and a cushion to hug incomfort.Maybe I will go out.
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